Halloween brought a rare treat for the Revolting Man this year which is a little odd since he is not a big fan of the holiday.
It’s not that there is anything wrong with costumes and merriment and candy; these are wonderful things. It’s just that they lose some of their sweetness when coated with death. Nonetheless, the Revolting Family was trick or treating when they encountered a man who at first blush seemed a little ridiculous, but as with most things that seem ridiculous at first glance, this fellow proved to have something of the sublime about him. In the beautiful little town the Revolting Family lives in, it is customary for many people to trick or treat in the neighborhood where, not at all coincidentally, the more affluent reside. In fact, there were several hundred costumed people canvassing the area looking for any house with so much as a nightlight burning to indicate the possibility of some kind soul dispensing candy. If one had squinted hard it might have been possible to pretend that the whole event was an Occupy Wall Street offshoot, except the costumes were nowhere near scary enough and there weren’t as many treats, violations of hygiene and decorum or aging hippies. Instead the crowd was comprised of young families portraying all of the usual characters. Amidst this good-natured swarm was a large-ish man with several children, a wife, and a sister. But what was most noticeable was the flashlight, not that it was anything more than a normal flashlight. In fact it wasn’t even an exciting flashlight with LED bulbs or heavy aircraft aluminum construction. It was one of those old plastic, 2 D batteries, regular old, never work when you need them because the kids have been using them for light sabers, junk drawer flashlights. Except this one did work, it worked well enough that the dad in question was using it to further illuminate a street that was well lit enough to read on, even though it was well past twilight and there were far more bats, both real and of the costumed variety, out than robins, the real and costumed variety combined. And if the various streetlights, porch lights and said flashlights weren’t enough light, the extremely prepared father was also wearing a headlamp, which did come with an exciting array of LED lighting. The Revolting Man, who prides himself on his minimalist approach to all things but especially preparedness, couldn’t help but chuckle at the expense of the extremely prepared father. The man seemed so proud and excited to be protecting his family that he almost beamed as bright as his various lights. Of course not long after that the Revolting Family had to cross a deserted residential street. The Beloved Bride stopped all of the various progeny at the curb and turned to wait for the Revolting Man to stride into the street and make sure that it was indeed as empty as it seemed. He stood there with erect carriage, his glaring eyes in constant motion, searching for some car to magically appear and threaten his family. What he would have done if one had is anyone’s guess. But the point is he was there looking for, perhaps hoping for, some threat to emerge so he could spring into action and do battle on the behalf of his loved ones. On its surface it was much more ridiculous than the very bright father who had just been the unknowing bearer of the Revolting Man’s amusement. Even the Revolting Man couldn’t miss the humor in how he strode into a deserted street and dared non-existent cars to try and run him over. Nonetheless, as everyone arrived safely on the opposite side-walk, he expressed gratitude for the gift he has been given. Because in this safe, boring world we live in, the Revolting Man has an adventure just crossing the street, when anything could go wrong with disastrous results that ripple out and harm dozens of people. That father with all the lumens might be walking down a well lit and crowded street in a safe neighborhood in a friendly little town he grew up in but that doesn’t mean he isn’t the only barrier between the lives of everyone he holds dear and utter calamity. It may sound like a cliché or a joke, but it is not. When the comfort and well-being of others rests on your shoulders then all your actions are of consequence, your every decision is far-reaching and your every move is critical. The Revolting Man has sown some wild oats. He has traveled to the bright lights and in some dirty, dangerous places. But he never had a high stakes life of consequence until he had a family. Being reminded of that was a real treat.
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AuthorThe Revolting Man lives at the end of a dirt road at the bottom of a hill at the top of a valley in the foothills of the Appalachians. Archives
December 2016
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